We all go to fancy restaurants and pretend like we know what different cuts of meat are and don’t snicker at “shitake” mushrooms. But why use saffron or truffle oil when you can use ketchup packets and flat Strongbow? Why use cutlery when you can use the corner of a margarine lid? I’m Joanna, and over the next few weeks, and possibly months, I’ll be showing you how to serve up delicious home cooking with minimum fuss and maximum fat.
Whenever you step into a kitchen, remember this: There are rules to life, love, and war, but There Are No Rules To Deep Fat Frying. Just ask the OG of deep frying,
“Chicken” Charlie Boghosian. He was the first man to batter a Twinkie before graduating to monumental achievements like the deep fried Krispy Kreme donut and the deep fried chicken sandwich.
Boghosian may look like the kind of man who’d die from a coronary during a mildly strenuous shit. But don’t let that turn you off deep frying.
Honestly, pretty much anything becomes edible once you’ve deep fried it. People have been known to deep fry MDMA and claim that it was palatable, which is either a lie or a miracle. My point is that throwing stuff in boiling fat is not solely the preserve of subnormal hicks, it is one of the elite cooking techniques.
The Deep Fried Mexican Chocolate Cake
You can use pretty much any type of cake you like, but obviously I’ve plumped for the most obnoxious combination I could think of: a “Mexican” chili chocolate cake. It’s “Mexican” because it’s got chili in it, and as we all know Mexicans are incapable of eating anything that doesn’t contain chili, refried beans, or visas.
Ingredients
1 1/2 - cup of flour
1/2 - cup of unsweetened cocoa
1 - cup of sugar
1 - teaspoon of baking soda
2 - teaspoons of cinnamon
1/4 - teaspoon of chili powder or cayenne pepper
2 - eggs
1 - cup of milk
1 - tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
1 - tablespoon of vanilla extract
1 - bottle of Cherry Coke (optional)
Step 1.
Shove all the dry ingredients in a bowl. But be careful: Anything more than a teaspoon of the cayenne pepper or chili and the cake will lurch towards savory, ending up like an Iceland microwaveable curry. And those are basically stewed bowels in spice.
Step 2.
Add all the wet stuff and whisk. You want it sticky enough to look like this. Which is essentially gross.
Step 3.
Bake for half an hour in a buttered tin at 350 degrees F, leave to cool, then slice into chunks. And that’s your “Mexican” cake done.
Step 4.
Now you need batter to fry it in. Batter is pretty much just a really thick pancake mix of self-raising flour, egg, and milk. If you don’t want it to feel too much like it’s belly-flopping into your gut, you can use carbonated water to lighten the batter. Even better – or if you just don’t think you’re sweet or diabetic enough – you can use fizzy pop. I used Cherry Coke. So, yeah basically stick all that stuff in and whisk it. Easy.
Step 5.
Dunk your slices of Mexican cake into your cola mush.
Step 6.
Ideally you should use a deep fryer, but I’m not made of huge metal pans, so I’m just cooking them in a small one. I get an added bonus because I’m using three-day-old fried egg oil, which has given my cakes a French toast flavor. Presumably this is what people eat for brunch in France.
Step 7.
Finally, some spray cream, sprinkles, a thumbs up to taste, and a thumbs down to nausea, and you’re ready to roll!
To be honest, there’s little point in planning anything else for the rest of the day, because you’ll be having breathing problems and digestive problems and issues with your consciousness, but trust me, the mouth party totally outweighs all that.
Bone-appetite!
JOANNA FUERTES-KNIGHT
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